Friday, January 24, 2014

My witching hour- and lace

This is my witching hour...the time when the house is asleep...well, everyone but me. I lie awake (or sneak away to the bathroom for blogging and Pinterest time) and my mind wonders. 

Psalm 116:11- "everyone is a liar." And yet it doesn't stop me from believing the horrible things I tell myself. I really should be nicer to me. I would never think things about other people the way I think about me. I certainly wouldn't never tell people things I tell myself. I build people up and tear myself down. "You're a great mom!" You can't even make your kid breakfast, what's wrong with you?
"You can totally do this!" You'll never get a routine and things will only get worse and worse until your husband gets fed up and leaves you because you can't get yourself together...

I don't know why I do that...unfortunately I don't even think I can blame that on the ppd but I do know it's amplified at the moment. I have had two good days with only swings of moods...a welcome improvement from the horrid all day crying sessions. As a friend put it today sitting on the couch with a bag of chips and crying. That's been me when no one is looking. Thank goodness for my friends that force me out. The ones that call or come by..because if I put on a happy face enough, even I start to believe it. 

I had my first anxiety attack today. I feel like I should have received a ribbon. Or gotten my name on a plaque. Especially since I didn't die though it felt like I was going to (and I almost wanted to) but joe just held my hand and I chanted my mantra: whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable... think about such things. Philippians 4:8

It helps because you can't have crazy thoughts when your mind is occupied with Jesus. He just doesn't work like that. Perhaps that's why all this is happening. To show me I need Him so much more than I'm letting myself need Him. Sometimes I think, I won't bother you with this Lord, I can do it...but just as I want my kids to come to me for ANYTHING, so I am learning He wants me to do. just put that into practice. 

Also, I bought myself a pack of new undies...they didn't fit...that didn't help the ole ego...but I am taking them back...and this time, I'm getting some with lace...that will help- I just know it.