Trust Like a Baby, Faith Like a Child

“Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." 

(Matthew 18:2-4ESV)

It's 3:30am and I am awake feeding my tiny newborn daughter. When she's finished, I hold her with one arm around her, and the other hand holding her tiny head and as I kiss her delicate cheeks, she melts into my hand, giving me all her 7lbs 10oz and trusting me fully, completely. Why? She doesn't know me. I haven't proven myself to her in any form or fashion. She does this because she has no other choice. She is 100% reliant on me for absolutely everything except the beat of her heart (Which God has assured me He's got under control). 

Using this precious, tiny, sleeping babe, God reminded me this is what he is seeking from me. Full, unadulterated, baby like trust, because just as I have my baby in my hands, so He has me. 

Love from the center of who you are

My mind goes a hundred miles an hour all the time...even joe can't understand how I can't ever just do one thing at a time- even now, I'm blogging and pooping...yup, tmi I know but it's true and if I can't be honest here on my own blog with my dear friends then I just give up.

Anyway, I was sitting down to look at the Duck Commander cookbook Joe got me for Christmas and I was going to just go over it and that's it. It's my favorite cookbook because it's laced with really great encouraging scripture. 

I've discovered that that is how god talks to me- through other people. Since I can't stop my mind for a second (that whole be still thing is impossible) he uses people to talk to me. 

Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don’t quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality. (Romans 12:9-13 MSG)

Love from the center of who you are- wow! 

Don't burn out, keep yourselves fueled and aflame! 

Don't quit in hard times!

I hear you Lord. Thank you for loving me enough to send people into my life to speak your truth when I am too crazy to listen to You directly. 

Me me Me me me me me Me and me

I am unbelievably selfish. I'm constantly dealing with the issue of my pride...me and God totally got this. But just tonight, it hit me that I'm selfish tool I got so frustrated with Madeleine tonight because she wouldn't get to her room and go to bed so I could what...watch Antiques Roadshow and browse Pinterest (pinning activities for her nonetheless)! What is wrong with me? 

Now, having her go to bed because it's 8:30pm and she didn't have a nap is a good reason to get her to bed- but even though that's exactly what today was like- my heart was "go to bed so I can have my time...MY time!" 

Among my pinning, I found so many wonderful ideas for Waldorf and Montessori style schooling. For those of you who don't know those styles are very child led, hands on, out door play, real life style learning. It was basically encouraging me to take Madeleines desire to be around me constantly and turn every single moment into a teaching opportunity. That means I need to put my selfish self aside and take some time and sow into my daughter. 

Would it be easier and faster to load the dish washer myself...of course! Can I fold her clothes and have a lovely organized drawer yes...or I could give her bins and teach her to organize her own laundry (which seems like a good return for that time when she gets older and can do her own laundry by 5)! 

So I'm going to have my alone time...in the bathroom when I'm going potty...or when I have a happy heart about putting her to bed. I aim to put myself aside (while still taking care and nourishing myself) and serve my husband and my daughters happily without quite so much grumbling...

Yeah that's the plan anyway...

My witching hour- and lace

This is my witching hour...the time when the house is asleep...well, everyone but me. I lie awake (or sneak away to the bathroom for blogging and Pinterest time) and my mind wonders. 

Psalm 116:11- "everyone is a liar." And yet it doesn't stop me from believing the horrible things I tell myself. I really should be nicer to me. I would never think things about other people the way I think about me. I certainly wouldn't never tell people things I tell myself. I build people up and tear myself down. "You're a great mom!" You can't even make your kid breakfast, what's wrong with you?

"You can totally do this!" You'll never get a routine and things will only get worse and worse until your husband gets fed up and leaves you because you can't get yourself together...

I don't know why I do that...unfortunately I don't even think I can blame that on the ppd but I do know it's amplified at the moment. I have had two good days with only swings of moods...a welcome improvement from the horrid all day crying sessions. As a friend put it today sitting on the couch with a bag of chips and crying. That's been me when no one is looking. Thank goodness for my friends that force me out. The ones that call or come by..because if I put on a happy face enough, even I start to believe it. 

I had my first anxiety attack today. I feel like I should have received a ribbon. Or gotten my name on a plaque. Especially since I didn't die though it felt like I was going to (and I almost wanted to) but joe just held my hand and I chanted my mantra: whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable... think about such things. Philippians 4:8

It helps because you can't have crazy thoughts when your mind is occupied with Jesus. He just doesn't work like that. Perhaps that's why all this is happening. To show me I need Him so much more than I'm letting myself need Him. Sometimes I think, I won't bother you with this Lord, I can do it...but just as I want my kids to come to me for ANYTHING, so I am learning He wants me to do. Now...to just put that into practice. 

Also, I bought myself a pack of new undies...they didn't fit...that didn't help the ole ego...but I am taking them back...and this time, I'm getting some with lace...that will help- I just know it.

Have Mercy On Me

I'm tired of being afraid
I'm wondering how I got this way
I'm trying to remember what life was like before
Panic moved in without even knocking on the door

Have mercy on me
I'm not who I used to be
Have mercy on me
Jesus, please

I've been praying and asking you to take it all away
You never do exactly what I say
You see me from the outside, a lover looking in
But all I see is danger moving underneath my skin

[CHORUS]

I know it's not because I don't love you enough
It's not because I'm weak, it's how you choose to speak to me
-JJ Heller


This has been on repeat in my mind for a few days. It actually helps. Thank you to those of you who have called. I feel a little less lonely. 

In the darkness that follows

It's so easy to try to ignore that it's happening. 

Thinking, I must not be praying enough...I must have done something to deserve this...the sadness, the anger, the resentment, the intrusive thoughts that make you feel this big after having them even though it's not your fault. All that comes and it hits you like a Mack truck. But out of all that, there's nothing quite like the guilt. 

The mommy guilt is something that I'm sure all mommies have felt but when I'm in the pit of despair, I feel guilty for even being there- like why can't I get my act together, why did I eat that bad thing that's probably contributing to my problem, why can't I drink enough water, why can't I stop snapping at my family, I should just run away and never look back...they'd be better for it without me here failing at being a mom (one of many intrusive thoughts I can't control). 

Then, when I get really tired, and lose my patience entirely and daddy has to go in...just the way he says her name... I sink further into my guilt- I can't even put my child to bed...I have failed. 

I should be happy to have this beautiful baby...I should be happy to have my wonderful smart amazing daughter...I should be happy to have my husband who works hard so I can stay home...

But I'm not. Not right now. Right now I'm screaming inside while outside I just try to make it through the day (and every two hours at night). And I feel guilty about it. 

I'm sure it will pass...but right now, I'm stuck in the darkness that follows the joy of childbirth. 

If you haven't been there, it's so easy to say "why can't you just stop being that way" because let me tell you if it were that easy I would. I would right this second. But that just makes it worse because I can't just stop...enter guilt. My husband because he is a fixer and I love him for that says "why are you crying?" when I can't help it and I can't put into words why I am crying again. I'm lonely, and jealous of his ability to sleep through anything. 

 I'm freakin angry!!!!! That those spoiled rotten kids won't play with my angel at the park. What makes them so damn high and mighty they can't include her in a simple game of hide and seek (which is her favorite game in the world)? I wanna push them over. 

Then, I see their parents who act the same way and I realize where those spoiled rotten kids get it. I wanna push them over too...and since every single one of them has their face stuck in their phone it will be easy- they won't see me coming. 

 I'm frustrated that my two year old isn't totally self sufficient and can't go out and get a job (not really but I do have my expectations set WAY to high for her and it causes me to be a mom I hate). 

It's easy for friends to say I'm here for you if you need anything. If you haven't been there, you won't understand. 

I feel guilty because my house is a wreck. There is just stuff everywhere and I can't even make sure I feed my kids and myself during the day much less clean anything. I want to take a garbage bag and trash everything...sometimes when I round the corner to my house after being gone a while, I feel myself sigh in disappointment that it hasn't burned to the ground. That means the chaos and clutter is still there and I still can't handle it. Pour on some more guilt. And even after watching Hoarders (which is enough to jump start my desire to clean) all I wanna do is crawl into bed and watch downton abbey. Sorry honey, I will clean the house eventually. 

I pray for mercy and healing. I pray for patience. I pray for understanding from my darling husband. I pray for my children that they will never remember their mom like this and I pray especially when it's their time for kids, this slips by them and leaves them alone.

Love You Forever

I don't know if any of you have read this book but it's seriously one if my favorites. I've tried many times to buy it but every time I look through it, I cry. It was gifted to us through a very dear friend from church and I still love it. Every now and then, my Madeleine picks it to read for her night night story. Tonight was that night. I read it to her and sang "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be..." And I cried. I cry every time. 

Only this time, my wonderful, wise beyond her years 2.5 year old looked up at me with thumb in mouth and wiped away my tears. She told me in her little voice that I've loved since the first time I heard it, "it's okay mommy, I've got you. I'm right here." 

I melted. I am so in love with her.