Tuesday, January 21, 2014

In the darkness that follows

It's so easy to try to ignore that it's happening. 

Thinking, I must not be praying enough...I must have done something to deserve this...the sadness, the anger, the resentment, the intrusive thoughts that make you feel this big after having them even though it's not your fault. All that comes and it hits you like a Mack truck. But out of all that, there's nothing quite like the guilt. 
The mommy guilt is something that I'm sure all mommies have felt but when I'm in the pit of despair, I feel guilty for even being there- like why can't I get my act together, why did I eat that bad thing that's probably contributing to my problem, why can't I drink enough water, why can't I stop snapping at my family, I should just run away and never look back...they'd be better for it without me here failing at being a mom (one of many intrusive thoughts I can't control). 
Then, when I get really tired, and lose my patience entirely and daddy has to go in...just the way he says her name... I sink further into my guilt- I can't even put my child to bed...I have failed. 

I should be happy to have this beautiful baby...I should be happy to have my wonderful smart amazing daughter...I should be happy to have my husband who works hard so I can stay home...

But I'm not. Not right now. Right now I'm screaming inside while outside I just try to make it through the day (and every two hours at night). And I feel guilty about it. 

I'm sure it will pass...but right now, I'm stuck in the darkness that follows the joy of childbirth. 

If you haven't been there, it's so easy to say "why can't you just stop being that way" because let me tell you if it were that easy I would. I would right this second. But that just makes it worse because I can't just stop...enter guilt. My husband because he is a fixer and I love him for that says "why are you crying?" when I can't help it and I can't put into words why I am crying again. I'm lonely, and jealous of his ability to sleep through anything. 
 I'm freakin angry!!!!! That those spoiled rotten kids won't play with my angel at the park. What makes them so damn high and mighty they can't include her in a simple game of hide and seek (which is her favorite game in the world)? I wanna push them over. 
Then, I see their parents who act the same way and I realize where those spoiled rotten kids get it. I wanna push them over too...and since every single one of them has their face stuck in their phone it will be easy- they won't see me coming. 
 I'm frustrated that my two year old isn't totally self sufficient and can't go out and get a job (not really but I do have my expectations set WAY to high for her and it causes me to be a mom I hate). 
It's easy for friends to say I'm here for you if you need anything. If you haven't been there, you won't understand. 

I feel guilty because my house is a wreck. There is just stuff everywhere and I can't even make sure I feed my kids and myself during the day much less clean anything. I want to take a garbage bag and trash everything...sometimes when I round the corner to my house after being gone a while, I feel myself sigh in disappointment that it hasn't burned to the ground. That means the chaos and clutter is still there and I still can't handle it. Pour on some more guilt. And even after watching Hoarders (which is enough to jump start my desire to clean) all I wanna do is crawl into bed and watch downton abbey. Sorry honey, I will clean the house eventually. 

I pray for mercy and healing. I pray for patience. I pray for understanding from my darling husband. I pray for my children that they will never remember their mom like this and I pray especially when it's their time for kids, this slips by them and leaves them alone.