This song was introduced to me just this past Friday. I can't get it out of my head.
I know someday. I know somehow I'll be okay...but not right now. Not right now.
I feel like I'm supposed to feel better now. I mean, Charlotte is already 2 months old. Everyone looks at me like its time for me to feel better. I'm really trying to. I'm immersing myself into things to distract myself. I'm snuggling my little ones to remind myself how incredibly blessed I am to be their mommy. I'm being discipled by a wonderful woman of God who truly seems to get where I am. When I feel the darkness move over me, I pray, I recite scripture, I have some water and eventually it passes.
But it's just so damn exhausting being needed all the time. And I dont mean wanted around because people enjoy your cleverness and how funny you are. No, I mean down and dirty needed or they'll die kind of needed. No one tells you about that part of motherhood because it's not in the movies. It's not politically correct to say for one damn minute I want to just not be needed. Because I need too. no...that just makes you sound selfish and immature. I mean come on...a woman...that needs?? how dare she!!
And dont say that Jesus is enough. I know that He should be. But I dont feel his hands rub my back after I've bounced a baby down the hall for hours and hours in the middle of the night. I dont feel him push back my hair and kiss my forehead and tell me that I'm beautiful even in the middle of my mess. I dont see him coming with tea and chocolates to just hang out with me.
People ask me how I'm doing and I say I'm fine because they don't really care. Or they care but they ask me in passing...trust me, you don't have the time to hear how I really feel.
I've been praying for joy to be given back to me. Like, fully given back to me in place of the guilt and loneliness I have instead.
But you know what, right now, I'm not okay. And I am getting on second by second, minute by minute, day by day. But don't tell me it will be okay. Just sit with me in the ashes here. Hold my hand as we pray for peace.
I know that I will be okay. Someday, somehow...but not right now...
not right now.