Have Mercy On Me

I'm tired of being afraid
I'm wondering how I got this way
I'm trying to remember what life was like before
Panic moved in without even knocking on the door

Have mercy on me
I'm not who I used to be
Have mercy on me
Jesus, please

I've been praying and asking you to take it all away
You never do exactly what I say
You see me from the outside, a lover looking in
But all I see is danger moving underneath my skin

[CHORUS]

I know it's not because I don't love you enough
It's not because I'm weak, it's how you choose to speak to me
-JJ Heller


This has been on repeat in my mind for a few days. It actually helps. Thank you to those of you who have called. I feel a little less lonely. 

In the darkness that follows

It's so easy to try to ignore that it's happening. 

Thinking, I must not be praying enough...I must have done something to deserve this...the sadness, the anger, the resentment, the intrusive thoughts that make you feel this big after having them even though it's not your fault. All that comes and it hits you like a Mack truck. But out of all that, there's nothing quite like the guilt. 

The mommy guilt is something that I'm sure all mommies have felt but when I'm in the pit of despair, I feel guilty for even being there- like why can't I get my act together, why did I eat that bad thing that's probably contributing to my problem, why can't I drink enough water, why can't I stop snapping at my family, I should just run away and never look back...they'd be better for it without me here failing at being a mom (one of many intrusive thoughts I can't control). 

Then, when I get really tired, and lose my patience entirely and daddy has to go in...just the way he says her name... I sink further into my guilt- I can't even put my child to bed...I have failed. 

I should be happy to have this beautiful baby...I should be happy to have my wonderful smart amazing daughter...I should be happy to have my husband who works hard so I can stay home...

But I'm not. Not right now. Right now I'm screaming inside while outside I just try to make it through the day (and every two hours at night). And I feel guilty about it. 

I'm sure it will pass...but right now, I'm stuck in the darkness that follows the joy of childbirth. 

If you haven't been there, it's so easy to say "why can't you just stop being that way" because let me tell you if it were that easy I would. I would right this second. But that just makes it worse because I can't just stop...enter guilt. My husband because he is a fixer and I love him for that says "why are you crying?" when I can't help it and I can't put into words why I am crying again. I'm lonely, and jealous of his ability to sleep through anything. 

 I'm freakin angry!!!!! That those spoiled rotten kids won't play with my angel at the park. What makes them so damn high and mighty they can't include her in a simple game of hide and seek (which is her favorite game in the world)? I wanna push them over. 

Then, I see their parents who act the same way and I realize where those spoiled rotten kids get it. I wanna push them over too...and since every single one of them has their face stuck in their phone it will be easy- they won't see me coming. 

 I'm frustrated that my two year old isn't totally self sufficient and can't go out and get a job (not really but I do have my expectations set WAY to high for her and it causes me to be a mom I hate). 

It's easy for friends to say I'm here for you if you need anything. If you haven't been there, you won't understand. 

I feel guilty because my house is a wreck. There is just stuff everywhere and I can't even make sure I feed my kids and myself during the day much less clean anything. I want to take a garbage bag and trash everything...sometimes when I round the corner to my house after being gone a while, I feel myself sigh in disappointment that it hasn't burned to the ground. That means the chaos and clutter is still there and I still can't handle it. Pour on some more guilt. And even after watching Hoarders (which is enough to jump start my desire to clean) all I wanna do is crawl into bed and watch downton abbey. Sorry honey, I will clean the house eventually. 

I pray for mercy and healing. I pray for patience. I pray for understanding from my darling husband. I pray for my children that they will never remember their mom like this and I pray especially when it's their time for kids, this slips by them and leaves them alone.

Love You Forever

I don't know if any of you have read this book but it's seriously one if my favorites. I've tried many times to buy it but every time I look through it, I cry. It was gifted to us through a very dear friend from church and I still love it. Every now and then, my Madeleine picks it to read for her night night story. Tonight was that night. I read it to her and sang "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be..." And I cried. I cry every time. 

Only this time, my wonderful, wise beyond her years 2.5 year old looked up at me with thumb in mouth and wiped away my tears. She told me in her little voice that I've loved since the first time I heard it, "it's okay mommy, I've got you. I'm right here." 

I melted. I am so in love with her. 

So we are having a baby tomorrow,

Wow! We are having a baby tomorrow!! Yikes!! And like any seasoned mom, I've waited till the last possible moment to get things ready. You know like the hospital bags for us and rereading the manual for the car seat I haven't used in a year and a half when it was Miss Ms. But there seems to be anti interest in what people bring in their bags. Thought I would share what's in mine! 

I also forgot to picture our toothbrushes and deodorant (since we are still using them) and the small throw blanket and pillow I'll be bringing for Daddy. (Those are being used by Miss M) 

I'm nervous about having two and the effect it will have on Miss M but I'm blessed to have such an amazing support system and that should help to make the transition easier. 

We go in at 6am tomorrow for Miss C!! 

Quilting: Why People Should Do It and Slow Down a Bit

Life is going too fast. Like woah there kinda fast. My daughter just turned two. I just turned 26. My husband and I are hurtling towards three year anniversary. The days are flying by with such speeds sometimes I forget to blink.

Then I sit down to quilt. I can't go fast...well, not if I want it to look good.

There's time in measuring and double time in measuring twice.

It takes time to decide on a theme and to pick out all the right colors.

It takes time to plan out the pattern.

It takes time to cut....every....single....little....piece!

It takes so much time to lovingly piece it all together in a way that is beautiful and pleasing.

All this before you even begin the actual quilting process. When you start that, YOU MUST SLOW DOWN! You can't quilt quickly. Even the best of the best take their time and though it seems they're going fast, they're not. They are slowly and sometimes painstakingly (if you're me) working their way around the fabric doing the straightest lines they can or the most perfectly placed stipples. Unless of course you're doing modern quilting then you're just going which ever way willy-nilly style. Which if that's you, rock on!

This is why I quilt. It gives me time to focus on something. I can't multitask and quilt. I can only sew and pray. I use my quilting time to pray for my family, my husband, my kids, and just to be thankful that I can be sitting in my comfy chair in my comfy house and do something I love.

Honestly, when's the last time you just stopped and thanked Him for what you have? Or even for what you don't have! Sometimes that too can be just as big a blessing as what you do have.

This week, I encourage you to pick up a hobby that forces you to slow down. Knitting maybe? Paper crafting perhaps? Beading? I heard that's one that requires a lot of attention!

Just remember to breathe a little more often. Stop and squidge your toes in the grass/sand/mud/whatever you have. Thank God more often. I heard He likes that! ;-)

You are loved more than you will ever know by someone who died to know you!
Romans 5:8

Sara Lambert

Children's Birthday Party Expectations...for goodness sake!

Madeleine is turning two next month. Yikes! Well, yikes for two reasons I guess...that my baby is going to be TWO next month and that my baby is going to be two NEXT MONTH! I started thinking about parties in January and my mom told me I was jumpin the gun so I put it out of my mind for a while...then hullo! May pops up and I've nothing done.

So, I start brainstorming and getting excited and there's nothing like Pinterest to make you feel totally and utterly defeated inspired. :-/

I've wanted to do a tutu theme since I had her because she's turning 2 and I like plays on words. However, her 1st party was Pink...that's it just pink everything was pink. Tutus aren't much further from that and then I started getting anxious over my TWO YEAR OLDS BIRTHDAY PARTY!

No one comes to see what theme I have...and if you do, kindly head back out. They come to see my daughter and celebrate another year with her. Themes are fun but I can't let it consume me.

However...the kid loves Blue's Clue's so I may just go with that. I'll keep you updated (as if you're all waiting with bated breath on the theme of her second birthday party but humor me).

Anyone else at odds with childrens birthday expectations? Do you put them on yourself? Your kids put it on you? Your husband? Your mother/in-law? I'd love to hear how you deal with things like this!








Picture from Birthday Express so don't be surprised if you see these come June 8th. :-)

5 Ways to Not Be Like Chickens & How to Thank God You're Not One

blah blah blah that's a mouthful I know. One of my favorite things is gardening with my husband after dark. Its mysterious, the weather is cool and lovely, and the heat lamp in the chicken coop creates a rather romantic glow on everything...

well, that last bit is reaching but the lamp does allow for some EXCELLENT chicken TV. I was watching them suddenly feeling very grateful I wasn't a chicken.

Now, I know most of you (despite your camo wearing) are city folk and haven't seen a chicken outside of shrink wrap but I highly encourage you to find someone outside city limits and take a peek at their chickens. You can learn a lot from them.

Here are 5 things I noticed they were doing that I have a tendency of doing and how I plan to stop being chickenesque.

1. They don't stop to savor their food.
They peck at their food source like they are going to lose it at any second. Its abrupt and harsh and how I often eat for fear of being interrupted by something. I don't want to eat like chickens, I want to savor the food that I work so hard to grow and prepare for my family.

2. They step all over their "friends"
They literally walk all over people without regard to what their doing. Some of my hens step right on other hens heads! Their heads! Now, I don't walk on people but I do tend to talk over them. I interrupt them or sometimes I don't even listen to what they're saying because I'm thinking about what I'm going to say next. That's not being a good friend and just as bad as stepping on them.

3. Chickens have no regard for their living quarters.
It could be because they're still young "teenager" chickens and not laying yet but chickens do not seem to care about their abode. Which, 6 weeks into this second pregnancy, is about how I feel about my house at this time. That's not exactly honoring to my husband who works so lovingly hard to make sure I can stay home with our children. So I plan to have a detailed plan for my day that includes a lot less media time, cleaning time, and nap/rest times. I can't do more than I can do right now but I can do a lot less of what I dont need to be doing...that made sense in my head.

4. Chickens don't play with their kids.
Neither do I. And that confession makes me very sad. Well, I dont play with her as much as I should/used to. I promise to schedule in playing time with my daughter as it arises. In 8 short months there will be a second Lambert baby and my time will be again cut short. Madeleine does not need to suffer for that.

5. Chickens don't whine about being chickens.
I whine. A lot! It's something God and I are working on. I'm trying very hard this pregnancy to be thankful to God that he's including me in the making of this miracle. I have made the commitment to God to stop whining about my husband. Sure, he irritates me sometimes. I irritate him too. It's what happens when you live with someone in close quarters. My husband is a wonderful wonderful man that I can't seem to get enough of. So, enough whining about my husband...ever! My home is secure, just the right size, and getting homey-er every day. So many chickens don't have homes. Or they have homes without a door...like mine. I could be living in a lean to like my chickens so no more whining about my house.

Dearest Heavenly Father, I ask you, when I start behaving like a chicken to remind me that I am SO NOT A CHICKEN. You have instilled within me your wonderful heavenly spirit which I'm pretty sure you don't do and that in itself is enough to make me thank You that I am not a chicken. Help me to take the time to eat all food and thank you for it, to be a better friend, to take care of this home you've provided for us, to play and remember this time with Madeleine for she won't be this age ever again, and to stop whining about anything. I will need your strength to do all these things and it is through your Son Jesus Christ that I can come ask you for this. It's in His name I pray to you, Amen!

Kitchen Remodel

Today was fun. I went to Home Depot to get the Minwax to seal the cabinets as I paint them (which is coming soon!). Whilst I was there, I found the backsplash and the cabinet hardware to complete our look. I put together a little collage. Hope you like it!

Sources:
Cabinets: whimsicalperspective.com
Backsplash: home depot
Flooring: Lowe's

"You are loved more than you will ever know, by someone who died to know you." -Romans 5:8
Sara

God's Grand Design

The tragedy that hit today in Connecticut hit home with me also. My daughter is 18 months and we had decided to homeschool her probably before her first birthday. Today joust solidified my choice to keep her home. In fact it even made me more solid in homeschooling her full time instead of the university style.

Today's tragedy reminded me that time with my daughter is so fleeting. It reminded me that I am borrowing her from God, she is not my possession. I have been charged with her well being and safety but if He decides to call her home there is not a thing I can do about it.

However, my heart has been in knots since noon when I found out about the school. I cried a little bit all day. I was mad at God and blamed Him for letting this happen. They weren't even my kids but I love all kids as though they were mine as I always have. I just imagine my child being there and my heart literally aches. I discussed with my husband my concerns about the devil being allowed to do this and at the time it didn't feel like he was really listening. Later that night he told me "we are too small to understand the reasoning behind why things happen. We cannot begin to understand the good that will come out of this. We don't know how many people will find Jesus because of this. The tragedy always hurts right away as with any hardship but the long run, even the eternity long run, is what you have to keep in mind."

Does that help a mother who's five year old was taken much too early right before Christmas? Not right away and she will never be the same woman. But I pray that somewhere down the line when the mourning is done, she feels comfort that the best person in the universe is looking over her child. Jesus loves the children and today He wanted some of them back with him.

I will continue to pray for the families of those children. Please do so also.

"You are loved more than you will ever know, by someone who died to know you." -Romans 5:8
Sara

Finances in 2013: The Independence Initiative

Good evening everyone. I stumbled upon an interesting experiment a bloggy friend is doing over at biblicalhomemaking.blogspot.com where she uses Matthew 25 (the parable of the talents) as her basis for using $10.00 and investing it into a business. The rule is you can't use anything other than that $10.00. If she goes bust the experiment is over and she has to keep a detailed record of every cash transaction she does. Genius if I do say so myself.

So when I mentioned it to my husband he goes "you have 10.00 worth of stuff all over the place." Meaning why use a new 10.00 when we have profit literally collecting dust in our shed and waiting in my craft area to be turned into something lovely.

However, my hands are incapacitated at the moment due to severe carpal tunnel and de quarvains tendinitis. Tomorrow I have tests and then next week (the 21st) I'll have the surgery on both hands. Which still sounds really intense but I'll have both my hands fully functioning by the new year.

Which brings me to my conclusion...I will be on a major overhaul of my house due cluttering and turning everything I can make into something else and investing it into a business that I will be able to maintain even with chickens and rabbits and perhaps from anywhere we move in the future (even Montana or Nova Scotia) which will also be my bargaining tool to keep our wifi!

So she's calling it the $10 business or something like that. I think I'll call it Independence Initiative. I am fond of alliteration.

So please pray for my surgery next week and I'll keep you updated and informed.

"You are loved more than you will ever know, by someone who died to know you." -Romans 5:8
Sara