Not Right Now

This song was introduced to me just this past Friday. I can't get it out of my head.

I know someday. I know somehow I'll be okay...but not right now. Not right now.

I feel like I'm supposed to feel better now. I mean, Charlotte is already 2 months old. Everyone looks at me like its time for me to feel better. I'm really trying to. I'm immersing myself into things to distract myself. I'm snuggling my little ones to remind myself how incredibly blessed I am to be their mommy. I'm being discipled by a wonderful woman of God who truly seems to get where I am. When I feel the darkness move over me, I pray, I recite scripture, I have some water and eventually it passes.

But it's just so damn exhausting being needed all the time. And I dont mean wanted around because people enjoy your cleverness and how funny you are. No, I mean down and dirty needed or they'll die kind of needed. No one tells you about that part of motherhood because it's not in the movies. It's not politically correct to say for one damn minute I want to just not be needed. Because I need too. no...that just makes you sound selfish and immature. I mean come on...a woman...that needs?? how dare she!!

And dont say that Jesus is enough. I know that He should be. But I dont feel his hands rub my back after I've bounced a baby down the hall for hours and hours in the middle of the night. I dont feel him push back my hair and kiss my forehead and tell me that I'm beautiful even in the middle of my mess. I dont see him coming with tea and chocolates to just hang out with me.  

People ask me how I'm doing and I say I'm fine because they don't really care. Or they care but they ask me in passing...trust me, you don't have the time to hear how I really feel.

I've been praying for joy to be given back to me. Like, fully given back to me in place of the guilt and loneliness I have instead.

But you know what, right now, I'm not okay. And I am getting on second by second, minute by minute, day by day. But don't tell me it will be okay. Just sit with me in the ashes here. Hold my hand as we pray for peace.

I know that I will be okay. Someday, somehow...but not right now...


not right now.

My witching hour- and lace

This is my witching hour...the time when the house is asleep...well, everyone but me. I lie awake (or sneak away to the bathroom for blogging and Pinterest time) and my mind wonders. 

Psalm 116:11- "everyone is a liar." And yet it doesn't stop me from believing the horrible things I tell myself. I really should be nicer to me. I would never think things about other people the way I think about me. I certainly wouldn't never tell people things I tell myself. I build people up and tear myself down. "You're a great mom!" You can't even make your kid breakfast, what's wrong with you?

"You can totally do this!" You'll never get a routine and things will only get worse and worse until your husband gets fed up and leaves you because you can't get yourself together...

I don't know why I do that...unfortunately I don't even think I can blame that on the ppd but I do know it's amplified at the moment. I have had two good days with only swings of moods...a welcome improvement from the horrid all day crying sessions. As a friend put it today sitting on the couch with a bag of chips and crying. That's been me when no one is looking. Thank goodness for my friends that force me out. The ones that call or come by..because if I put on a happy face enough, even I start to believe it. 

I had my first anxiety attack today. I feel like I should have received a ribbon. Or gotten my name on a plaque. Especially since I didn't die though it felt like I was going to (and I almost wanted to) but joe just held my hand and I chanted my mantra: whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable... think about such things. Philippians 4:8

It helps because you can't have crazy thoughts when your mind is occupied with Jesus. He just doesn't work like that. Perhaps that's why all this is happening. To show me I need Him so much more than I'm letting myself need Him. Sometimes I think, I won't bother you with this Lord, I can do it...but just as I want my kids to come to me for ANYTHING, so I am learning He wants me to do. Now...to just put that into practice. 

Also, I bought myself a pack of new undies...they didn't fit...that didn't help the ole ego...but I am taking them back...and this time, I'm getting some with lace...that will help- I just know it.

In the darkness that follows

It's so easy to try to ignore that it's happening. 

Thinking, I must not be praying enough...I must have done something to deserve this...the sadness, the anger, the resentment, the intrusive thoughts that make you feel this big after having them even though it's not your fault. All that comes and it hits you like a Mack truck. But out of all that, there's nothing quite like the guilt. 

The mommy guilt is something that I'm sure all mommies have felt but when I'm in the pit of despair, I feel guilty for even being there- like why can't I get my act together, why did I eat that bad thing that's probably contributing to my problem, why can't I drink enough water, why can't I stop snapping at my family, I should just run away and never look back...they'd be better for it without me here failing at being a mom (one of many intrusive thoughts I can't control). 

Then, when I get really tired, and lose my patience entirely and daddy has to go in...just the way he says her name... I sink further into my guilt- I can't even put my child to bed...I have failed. 

I should be happy to have this beautiful baby...I should be happy to have my wonderful smart amazing daughter...I should be happy to have my husband who works hard so I can stay home...

But I'm not. Not right now. Right now I'm screaming inside while outside I just try to make it through the day (and every two hours at night). And I feel guilty about it. 

I'm sure it will pass...but right now, I'm stuck in the darkness that follows the joy of childbirth. 

If you haven't been there, it's so easy to say "why can't you just stop being that way" because let me tell you if it were that easy I would. I would right this second. But that just makes it worse because I can't just stop...enter guilt. My husband because he is a fixer and I love him for that says "why are you crying?" when I can't help it and I can't put into words why I am crying again. I'm lonely, and jealous of his ability to sleep through anything. 

 I'm freakin angry!!!!! That those spoiled rotten kids won't play with my angel at the park. What makes them so damn high and mighty they can't include her in a simple game of hide and seek (which is her favorite game in the world)? I wanna push them over. 

Then, I see their parents who act the same way and I realize where those spoiled rotten kids get it. I wanna push them over too...and since every single one of them has their face stuck in their phone it will be easy- they won't see me coming. 

 I'm frustrated that my two year old isn't totally self sufficient and can't go out and get a job (not really but I do have my expectations set WAY to high for her and it causes me to be a mom I hate). 

It's easy for friends to say I'm here for you if you need anything. If you haven't been there, you won't understand. 

I feel guilty because my house is a wreck. There is just stuff everywhere and I can't even make sure I feed my kids and myself during the day much less clean anything. I want to take a garbage bag and trash everything...sometimes when I round the corner to my house after being gone a while, I feel myself sigh in disappointment that it hasn't burned to the ground. That means the chaos and clutter is still there and I still can't handle it. Pour on some more guilt. And even after watching Hoarders (which is enough to jump start my desire to clean) all I wanna do is crawl into bed and watch downton abbey. Sorry honey, I will clean the house eventually. 

I pray for mercy and healing. I pray for patience. I pray for understanding from my darling husband. I pray for my children that they will never remember their mom like this and I pray especially when it's their time for kids, this slips by them and leaves them alone.